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O Lord, I wake before the light,
my thoughts already in the night. Sleep has fled, my heart’s in pain, yet You are here to hear my refrain. Be near to me, Adonai, I pray, the weight is great, my strength gives way. Be near to me, stay close and sure, and I cannot for long endure. I knelt and called Your holy name, You answered me, though I felt shame. Breath returned where death stood fast, yet sorrow clings and will not pass. My home was crossed, my peace undone, my safety broken while I was gone. I must stand and speak no sound, when all I want is quiet ground. My son lives on, yet not made whole, his mind is but a wandering soul. I love him, Lord, and still I groan, mercy costs more than I’ve known. I speak the truth I fear to say, I wanted all the pain to fade away. Search my heart, You know it well, You hear the prayers I dare not tell. Give light enough for just one step, as I walk the road I cannot accept. Hold what I drop, remain, don’t flee, be more than faith demands of me. Be near to me, O Adonai, I pray, the weight is great, my strength gives way. Be near to me, stay close and strong, I cannot endure this for long.
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My Adventure with a Professional Editor
* Every writer eventually reaches that point—you stare at your sales dashboard, squint suspiciously, and whisper: “Maybe the problem isn’t the readers. Maybe… it’s me.” And so, fueled by equal parts courage, diluted wine, and self-doubt, I recently bit the bullet (or “bought the bullet,” as my brain apparently insists on phrasing it) and hired a professional editor for Book One of my Celestial Guardians series. The novel formerly known as The Fallen, currently known as Prince of Darkness, and soon to be … who knows. I wasn’t unhappy with the story. I actually like the story. But writers have a special talent for wondering: “What if the writing I love is actually terrible?” “What if my characters are cardboard?” “What if my plot has more holes than Swiss cheese?” I assumed my lack of sales must mean the writing was flawed. How’s that for self-esteem? So, like a responsible adult (ha), I sent my precious book-baby off to an editor—fully expecting to be emotionally eviscerated for the low price of a Fiverr invoice. The Deadline Arrives… and So Does RealityToday was the big day: the promised delivery date. I eagerly downloaded the edited manuscript, opened the file, and-- Cue the sound of a balloon deflating slowly and sadly in the corner. Where I expected paragraphs of insightful criticism… Where I hoped for notes on character development, structure, pacing, plot clarity… Where I braced myself for maybe even a little crying (I had tissues ready!)… I instead received a glowing book report. Yes, a book report. The editor summarized the novel—accurately, I’ll give them that—describing Miriam, Lucifer, the rebellion, the tension, the romance, the celestial drama… It was like reading my back-cover description rewritten by someone who was very enthusiastic and had drunk two cups of very strong coffee. Or maybe a few glasses of wine! And then came the comments. The Review That Was Not the Review I ExpectedHere is the best part—the editor’s actual words, which I have now read three times to make sure I didn’t hallucinate them: “You’re an amazing writer… Your flow was very good… Your tone was perfect… I commend your writing prowess… Great job… Excellent work…” And somewhere in there: “I corrected some punctuation and redundancies.” That’s it. No critique. No constructive feedback. No plot issues. No “maybe tone down Lucifer’s seductive monologues” or “your battle scenes need tightening” or “Miriam seems confused because you wrote this scene at 2 a.m. while eating chocolate and drinking red wine.” Nothing. Just praise and a few commas moved around. I sat there blinking at my screen like a malfunctioning angelic automaton. Where Was My Painful, Character-Building Critique? I wanted:
(If this is Heaven’s way of testing my humility, I would like a refund.) The Emotional Roller Coaster That EnsuedI cycled through all five stages of editorial grief:
!. Know your editing types. Seriously.There are three main kinds:
2. Low sales don’t always equal bad writing.This one… I’m still processing. But if an editor said my writing is good, and I’ve been writing since 2009, maybe the problem is:
I’m Still Glad I Did It. Even though the edit wasn’t what I expected, it did give me:
Once an RN, Always a Seeker
Once upon a time, I was an RN, then a licensed mental-health and biblical counselor. Reading was part of my daily rhythm—three or more books a week. I still love to read, though I began to notice how many stories felt the same. Somewhere along the way, I started craving something more—something daring, layered with truth and wonder. A Dangerous “What If…” When I retired, I began writing nonfiction. But eventually, a single question changed everything: What if Lucifer could be redeemed? My Christian friends were horrified. But writers know that great stories often begin with those two words: What if…? So I followed the question. Later, at a Christian writers’ conference in Phoenix, I discovered just how dangerous that question could be. My books were removed from the shelves and labeled “unacceptable.” Apparently, what I’d written wasn’t “Christian”—at least not by their definition. Author Story: Why I Write the Stories I Do I grew up in a divided home—half faith, half faithless. Sundays meant church, confession, and the illusion that sins were washed away. But the moment the doors closed behind us, the trauma returned. Abuse wrapped in hymns is still abuse. For years, I learned to smile through the pain, no. I was angry but I had to pretend - well I chose nothingness because holiness could not erase what happened behind closed doors. By my teens, upbringing took over: rebellion, survival, and a world that made no room for innocence. People often ask why I write fallen angels, rebels, and complicated redemption arcs. The answer is simple: I was one. And to some degree, I still am... I refused to bow to a God who seemed to remain silent through my suffering. And while I wasn’t cast out of heaven, I was cast out of my home. So I went into the world alone, choosing my alone path, stumbling from heartbreak to heartbreak, searching for love with a wounded heart and using all the wrong methods to find it. Then I met my own “Lucifer.” Not the celestial one, but a man who could have played him convincingly—a mix of charm, danger, and destruction. He was broken, and so was I. Those who read my books often sense a strange tenderness toward the rebellious, toward the dark and the misunderstood. And yes, anger too. All that comes from experience. Because the truth is, my Lucifer changed—some. Enough to make me hope. Not enough to truly make a real difference. But in flashes, I saw something in him—regret, longing, even a kind of belief. And I saw something in myself: the part of me still reaching for redemption, even when I didn’t know I believed in it. Our story was never a happy ending, not even an almost, but it held moments of light. And then he left this world, and only God knows where he went: heaven above or hell below. It’s there if you look. This is the soil my stories grow from. I write about angels because I know what it feels like to long for grace. I write about demons because I’ve known the shadows—both in others and in myself. I write about redemption because I have chased it, resisted it, doubted it, and yearned for it. And I write love stories because, through everything, I continue to believe love is powerful enough to remake even the darkest heart. Perhaps even mine. My novels aren’t crafted from theology. They’re crafted from experience—from a life marked by trauma, rebellion, longing, survival, and the stubborn hope that maybe, just maybe, brokenness isn’t the end of the story. I write because I have lived the questions my characters ask: What if grace is real? What if healing is possible? What if love transforms even the fallen? These questions shaped my life. Now they shape my books. This is who I am. This is why I write. What I believe ~ #faith-based fantasy author, #Christian fantasy fiction, #redemption stories, #angels and demons novels, #Lucifer redemption story, #heaven and hell fiction, #inspirational fantasy books, #spiritual journey novels, #redemptive fantasy author  Stories evolve — sometimes in ways their creators never expect.
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